inspiration is back?

Today I went shopping for the first time over month. It's a long time for me without shopping. I was walking on the streets, alone, looking all the skinny girls. Usually I'm confident, doing my own business, having my goals and stuff. 

I bought some really nice clothes for myself. In the changing room I realized that... I'm not an ugly girl. My beauty is just under all this fat. I can't shine with this body, I need a new one. I wouldn't change anything in myself (except my too big nose, bad skin, yellow teeth, huge shoe size... ANYWAYS...) but my fat body. And this is the thing that I CAN change myself. Without all that fat what is covering me I would be pretty. Even for myself. I would be happy with myself. I know that. I would be 59 kgs of pure happyness :)

Also I found out what kind of music inspires me. Last three weeks I have been listening jazz and indie and you know, like, relaxing music. But what I need is: DISCO music. Then I think about dancing and confident girls dacing on the dance floor. 

What kind of music inspires you?

still no inspiration

no inspiration for me anymore

Hi, I've been away for some time. 

You know what?

I do not have an inspiration anymore. 

I looked thinspo for an hour, and nothing. 

I could go to kitchen and eat everything. 

Help me, or I will be again like I was. 

Or... 

I already are. 

Fat. Nobody wants me anymore. 

I'll be like this .

Help!

Please give me something what would inspire me again! Say something to me...

Don't say I'm beautiful, don't say that I always have tomorrow, no, I don't! I live right now, here, and I'm FAT.

smoke

No long post today, my entire body hurts because of the running yesterday. It was only ten minutes :p

I'm in a neutral mood. When I came from school  my mum was home, so I had to eat lunch with her. It was rice, cucumbers and coffee. For desert there was apples and one chocolate candy, I don't like apples, so I took one bite from the candy, and spitted it out because I realized what I was doing. Yay.

What do you think about smoking? Do you smoke? Love it/Hate it?

Coffee

Just arrived from school.

Made a coffee.

Ate few bites of carrot, it tasted weird and looked green so I throwed it away.

Discovered an egg white from the fridge. Ate few bites of that, until I found a little blood piece from it. Eww, how disgusting is that?!

The coffee was great.

School school school. The preliminary tests are coming. I'm pretty nervous about them.

Oh, I ran 2.1 kilometers (about 1.3 miles) today. 

My back is hurting so bad, last night I couldn't even sleep because of that.

I try so hard to not eat all the chocolate from the kitchen. I have to stay here, in my room, and not even think about the chocolate, cookies, candy and biscuit cake what are downstairs, waiting for me, so they could make me fatter. 

And... 

one picture of me, what I took about half minute ago.

Weird

Hi-hi!

My life has been crazy - in a good way.

First weeks in a new school, new people, my dancing classes, boyfriends... but last weekend everything just... I don't know what happened. I would say - usually I'm smiling, enthisiastic, jovial; I love to be like this. Even if I don't have a reason to be happy. I just think: I don't have a reason to be unhappy either. 

But, yeah, last weekend. Remember my maybe-boyfriend? Well he become my really-boyfriend. And I broke up with him. I'm not sad or anything. It's little bit selfish to say, but I felt myself smarter than him (even when he's four years older than me), and it wasn't interesting to talk with him. So, that was Friday. 

On Saturday, I went out with one guy who likes me (I liked him too...until I saw his friend). So I couldn't stand him at all. Damn, when I write it down, I sound like some girl who can't be without guys attention. But I'm not that kind of girl, it only looks like this (well that sounded unconvincing :D). Whatever. But the evening was very boring. That was weird. It made me sad, because I need interesting and crazy Saturday nights, otherwise school/routine would kill me.

And yesterday I did nothing. I was in my bed almost all day long, watching pictures of Leighton Meester, and a movie "Coyote Ugly". And ate a cake what I made (for 10th day in 10th month in a 2010th year). 

I know this.. thing.. I don't know how to say it.. mess, confusion or whatever won't last forever. 

There is a most important week coming in school - there are all these tests coming, I have to work so hard.

I think I will write more about my personal life than weight. I hope you are not dissapointed.

third day of school

 I just came from school. 

I had to come straight to Blogger, otherwise I'd eaten all the ice-cream from the fridge. 

So. High school isn't that bad, but it's crazy how much we have to study! We have a thousand lessons every day and all those tests and homework... next week I'll be dead, really. But I'm going to best school, so if I survive these three years, then I can go to anywhere.

At the moment I'm drinking cocoa (without sugar) and listen to music... waiting for my family to come home. 

Oooo, have I already told you that I (think I) have a boyfriend! But, of course, he lives in another town... but he's gorgeus. I hope it'll work out. 

Oh boy, this computer doesn't underline words that have a mistake in them, so I might write weird things. But you understand, that I don't speak English and bla-blah..

By the way, I have no idea how much I weight!

hot cocoa

Heyhey!

So today is Monday, new day, new week and fresh start, like always. Yesterday I ate a lot, but at the evening I went running and did some exercises while watching a movie.

My mum got this step-counter thing. Her boyfriend gave it to her, said that she needs to lose weight. When my mum said it to me, I was like.... what the hell. My mum is like a normal mother, 175 cm and weights about 75 kg. And she has three children! I'd like to punch this man into face, he's not perfect either.

But anyway, this step-counter (is it a pedometer?) has a calorie-count mode too. And I don't know, does it lies or show's the truth, but it seems like I have to walk about a kilometer to lose 10 kcals. 

Today I try not eat anything, I feel like my body doesn't need it. I feel like there's garbage and poison in my body. This feeling goes away when I drink lot of tea and water for few days.

Uuuh, my English is rusty... summer holidays. 

Hellllooooo I'm not dead!

dreams

Every inch of my body hurts. 

I found this... 

This is how I'll look like when I come back from my summerhouse. Seriously, I rather stab myself in the eye with the stiletto heel than continue to be fattest one of my friends.

su su sssummer

Hello girls!!

I haven't wrote in uuhh.. hundred years. I just wanted to say that I'm not dead or something. It's just a very busy time for me. My summer has just started, school is finally over and summer here is so super short so I try to enjoy it. When I go to high school (only two months!)  I'll not going to be the fat one sitting alone in front of the blackboard. I will be pretty and thin hanging around in my size XS Levi's jeans (what I just bought for inspiration).

In high school:

1. Good marks 2. Social life 3. Enough sleep

... you can only pick two, haha.

Dear Fronki,
you seem to be a girl just like me! I would love to write to each other and stuff, but as you saw, in the summer I'm quite busy... 
I would love to follow and comment your blog!
Lots of sunshine,
Rose

Should I do some photos of myself before I go to my summer home? And then I could compare like 'before and after' ?

I hope you all enjoy the summer and lose much more weight than me!

Graduating today....!! Uuuuh I hope I'll fit into my dress! 

Nervous. 

Almost there..!

I haven't posted in days... I'm so busy all the time! All this graduating: exams, dresses, parties.. :) 

I had exams in maths, Estonian and in English. I was sooo worried about English exam, all this grammar and tenses.. but I did very well, especially the verbal part. 

Last five days I have had a huge headache... nothing helps. I think it's because of the stress.

I have gained few pounds because all of this... but I try to not worry, I have so many other things to worry about. And I'm going to my special place, where I can sunbath, swim and run all day! 

How are things with you? Is there summer yet where you live?

PS. Faith got home!