inspiration is back?

Today I went shopping for the first time over month. It's a long time for me without shopping. I was walking on the streets, alone, looking all the skinny girls. Usually I'm confident, doing my own business, having my goals and stuff. 

I bought some really nice clothes for myself. In the changing room I realized that... I'm not an ugly girl. My beauty is just under all this fat. I can't shine with this body, I need a new one. I wouldn't change anything in myself (except my too big nose, bad skin, yellow teeth, huge shoe size... ANYWAYS...) but my fat body. And this is the thing that I CAN change myself. Without all that fat what is covering me I would be pretty. Even for myself. I would be happy with myself. I know that. I would be 59 kgs of pure happyness :)

Also I found out what kind of music inspires me. Last three weeks I have been listening jazz and indie and you know, like, relaxing music. But what I need is: DISCO music. Then I think about dancing and confident girls dacing on the dance floor. 

What kind of music inspires you?

third day of school

 I just came from school. 

I had to come straight to Blogger, otherwise I'd eaten all the ice-cream from the fridge. 

So. High school isn't that bad, but it's crazy how much we have to study! We have a thousand lessons every day and all those tests and homework... next week I'll be dead, really. But I'm going to best school, so if I survive these three years, then I can go to anywhere.

At the moment I'm drinking cocoa (without sugar) and listen to music... waiting for my family to come home. 

Oooo, have I already told you that I (think I) have a boyfriend! But, of course, he lives in another town... but he's gorgeus. I hope it'll work out. 

Oh boy, this computer doesn't underline words that have a mistake in them, so I might write weird things. But you understand, that I don't speak English and bla-blah..

By the way, I have no idea how much I weight!

hot cocoa

Heyhey!

So today is Monday, new day, new week and fresh start, like always. Yesterday I ate a lot, but at the evening I went running and did some exercises while watching a movie.

My mum got this step-counter thing. Her boyfriend gave it to her, said that she needs to lose weight. When my mum said it to me, I was like.... what the hell. My mum is like a normal mother, 175 cm and weights about 75 kg. And she has three children! I'd like to punch this man into face, he's not perfect either.

But anyway, this step-counter (is it a pedometer?) has a calorie-count mode too. And I don't know, does it lies or show's the truth, but it seems like I have to walk about a kilometer to lose 10 kcals. 

Today I try not eat anything, I feel like my body doesn't need it. I feel like there's garbage and poison in my body. This feeling goes away when I drink lot of tea and water for few days.

Uuuh, my English is rusty... summer holidays. 

Almost there..!

I haven't posted in days... I'm so busy all the time! All this graduating: exams, dresses, parties.. :) 

I had exams in maths, Estonian and in English. I was sooo worried about English exam, all this grammar and tenses.. but I did very well, especially the verbal part. 

Last five days I have had a huge headache... nothing helps. I think it's because of the stress.

I have gained few pounds because all of this... but I try to not worry, I have so many other things to worry about. And I'm going to my special place, where I can sunbath, swim and run all day! 

How are things with you? Is there summer yet where you live?

PS. Faith got home!

very gray day

I'm so bored. I feel like an egg in fridge, waiting for cooking. 

Really, I don't have ANYTHING to do. I've cleaned the house, done the laundry, read a book... There's nothing on TV, I've seen every DVD in my house like 1000 times... I should study little bit, but aaahh, I can't. Also, I should exercise or go running, but I have a sore throat.

Please give me some ideas what to do... something reasonable. 

Today my favorite - tank top thinspo. 

Faith

Oh my God! She got out! She got out of coma! I can't write my hand are shaking.... I wasn't there but, she was awake for few minutes, and then fell asleep again, but the doctor said (to her parents) that the duration of time awake will increase gradually !

Life is beautiful.

68,9!

Hi,

last few days has been boring... Only things I do: sleep, watch movies and drink tea. (oh my god, I feel like I can't speak English at all :D) 

Well, anyway, thanks to my "new lifestyle" I now weight 68.9 ! I last weighted this much like... three years ago. So I'm quite happy! But, I have to keep it down. There is no point, when I lose weight and gain it back (like I always do).

Which one you prefer: real girls thinspo, or models thinspo?
 

I like models thinspos, but not as much as real-life ones. Is is because I think I'll never be like them? I don't know.

Real girl from somewhere - if she can do it, then I can do it. Models - they just are skinny, no matter what. 

What do you think?

About my friend(I'll name her Faith) : I promised to myself, that I won't write about her anymore, but I have to share it. They will try to get her out of it. They said, that they'd had these kind of cases before, and they think that they will be successful. (I heard it from Faith's mother).

I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until everything bad and stressful is over. 

I don't do as much sport as I used to. I eat more than I used to. I sleep less than I used to. 

Ana is turning Mia, you know. I don't want that.. I love my teeth, haha. Why should I become thin without teeth, when I could become thin WITH teeth? I love the feeling of empty stomach... But sometimes I love the taste of food even more. I love the taste, but I hate the feeling of full stomach, you know what I mean?

I used to have these days when I drank diet coke and smoked all day. Everybody were my friends, sun was shining all day and I enjoyed my life. 

I have to stop feeling sad, and do whatever I can, to make myself happy. This is what I used to do! 

Diet coke, cigarettes and leather jacket, here I come!

Wednesday

Thank you so much for your comments.

Btw, I think no one of my followers speak my native language...

I visited my friend today, and the doctors said that she is getting better and better. She looks so peaceful and beautiful. It's all so sad. But you can't imagine my happiness, when the doctors told me that they really think that she will be fine. I wish I cold give her strength...

My examinations and graduating are coming. Like there isn't enough stress in my life.

Soon this all will be over. Can't wait.

I want to live my (most of the time) normal life again.

bread&party, 70.5

Scoooooooool is killing me. 

About seven weeks more. 

Every morning I'm so tired, I should sleep more. Not sleeping enough=no energy=(eating too much)=slow metabolism=staying fat. Today wasn't as good as yesterday. I ate about five slices of bread (not that white thing you call bread), three cups of coffee, two cookies and super good rice-kiwi-dessert. I just... got rid of the last one. 

One good thing more about yesterday - I went to aerobics, I was so proud of myself :)

I think I'm going to make some tea for my tummy, I don't feel well. 

I added one thing into my list: I'll go out with a guy, when I'm 65 kg. For me it's so hard to lose weight. Why I can't be like those girls who can eat whatever they want and still stay skinny? 

PARTY thinspo today! Who doesn't love parties?!

Hey. 

School was soooo boring today. So I read a book. A book about rich, high-class, beautiful young people. (You have heard this so many times... I want to be like them). Anyway, when I was sitting in my maths class, stomach grumbling, drinking my diet cola, and reading, I felt like I belong there. In that book. I belong in USA's high school. It wold be totally me - shopping every weekend, having lunch in school with my friends, going to parties and stuff... But this is real life. I'm not rich. I live in Europe. We don't even have cheerleaders, haha. 

Okay, I love Europe, but USA is so... I don't know. Europe is the 'old world'. I love the fashion and the food here, and it's my home, but goosh.., how to explain what I feel... :/

Anyway, today's been good, I've eaten... um, I had about five mouthfuls of yogurt and two cups of coffee. So. Yeah. That's good.

Hope you are having a good day.

Low...

Hey girls.

Not so good today. 

I go like: up and down very up and super down. 

Today I hate myself. I think I will fast next week, and I also think that I won't fail. 

Short post today...

Today's thinspiration are of popular/beautiful/skinny girls. Everybody knows them - they are always pretty and they get all the boys. Sometimes you just hate them.. or get jealous. I've never been like this, but I would like to know what it feels like (to be popular and stuff).

The first picture (girl in yellow top) was my first thinspiration picture ever. 

70.1

Hello my skinnysweetcute girls!

Today I feel great, I don't even know why.

In the morning I went to market and bought some really good green and healthy stuff.

I had thousand cups of coffee, because I didn't sleep very much.

Oh, I haven't mentioned one thing!!!!!! I got into the best school in my town!!!! It's on the second place in our country!!!! It's like... imagine that you get in to the best school... Best feeling ever. Oh... But I have to study A LOT. There is three super hard and stressful years coming. But still. The best school!!

Some black&white thinspo!

coffee&chocolate

Here I am again. Sitting and writing and drinking coffee. I have so much to do, but I'm so tired. I think I failed today's math test. I only did two exercises of five, and I afraid even those were wrong. 

Haha, and, I'm living of chocolate. I ate chocolate cereal for breakfast, Kinder chocolate at school, and about ten minutes ago I ate six pieces of dark chocolate. I don't know how many calories exactly, but I hope not very much. Chocolate makes me happy. Ok, not really. I feel good when I'm eating it, but after I feel terrible. 

Shit. 

Why I ate this chocolate?

Okay. Do you know what feels so good? I bought a dress, like half year ago, and then it was very tight (like, I couldn't even breathe, but the dress was so damn pretty) and when I tried it on last week, it was perfect. I felt so powerful that moment. Like, I DO have a control. Amazing. 

I hope you all are fine!

Ninah, you are so sweet!

Lemons, lots of joy, happiness and love to you!

Which one you prefer to be?

FAILURE

Your comments are so sweet, they always make me happy. But when I read them just after fail, then I feel horrible. I feel like I've let you down. 

Yesterday (when I was so happy that I was 70.0 kg), 20 o'clock, I ate potatoes and cake (with CARAMEL and CHOCOLATE) WHERE THE HELL IS MY BRAIN? 

And I was planning to go running, but I didn't! After eating 1000+ cals I just watch TV, I know I fucking deserve to be fat! Why why why I do this to myself?!? And today, I woke up I was 70.7! Yesterday morning the first thing what I taught was: "I'll never be over 70 kgs again" My life is pointless when I'm stuck in that disgusting body. There is a beautiful skinny girl inside me and I just don't let her out! I hate myself!

Okay, as you see I'm little bit upset. 

Today is a hell too. I've eaten so much that I feel bloated. Yesterday my mum ate candies and zephyrs and she gave them to me too, and I ate and ate and ate and after that I yelled at her that she has fed me fat. She said that it's my fault. And yes, it is my fault too, but... 

After that I cried. I cried because I'm fat, my marks aren't as good as they used to be, I fail all the time, boys don't even look at me, I don't fit into clothes what I want to wear, I have three huge rolls on my stomach when I sit... I put on my swimsuit and looked myself in the mirror. I realized that nobody in my class have so big thighs and I have a cellulite. So I cried some more. 

I don't want to even watch any thinspo pictures, because then I will feel even more weak and sad. 

I've fell down and I can't get up.

Coffee

Just came from school. I've eaten about 300 cals today, I hope that I won't eat more.

Good news, I'm finally 70.0!!!

I have to keep it that way and lose more.

You girls keep me going: Raaawr., ccoutlon, xoktqtx3, Kajsa Mooore, Sun-Lit~, Anastasia, Sphinx's sister, If Life Gives You Lemons, Don't Eat Them, sarah, Bl33ding Truth, becky, Ninah and Pretty Thin, thank you!

My next goal is 65 kg. I lose weight so slowly... I've got a list in my phone where are my 'treats' for losing weight. 

There are: 

70-special hair conditioner

69-mascara

68-tank top

67-leggings

66-book

65-bikinis

These are the only things I buy. And I have to be under that weight, like when I'm 69.9 kg then I may buy conditioner. When I reach my final goal, 60 kg, then I'll buy lots of new clothes. 

Have you done this kind of lists? Do they work for you?

I have so much homework to do but I'd rather go out, sleep or watch tv... 

What do you think of laxatives? I've tried them once, and I don't recommend them to anyone. 

And... Does the diet pills really work?

Stay strong ladies! (specially the MNF girls)

Vintage/black&white thinspo, I loooove the last one, Sandra from "Grease".